Elephantastic Jokes

How do you run over an elephant?
Climb up its tail, dash to its head, and then slide down its trunk.

What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

How can you tell the difference between a grape and an elephant?
Grapes are purple.

What did Jane say when he she saw the elephants coming over the hill?
"Look, here come the grapes!" (She was color blind.)

How can you tell the difference between a grape and an elephant if you're color blind?
Dance on it for a while. If you don't get any wine, it's an elephant.

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
"Look, here come the elephants!"

What did Charles de Gaulle say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
"Voila les elephants!"

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?
Nothing, he didn't recognize them.

Why did the elephants wear sunglasses?
With all these dumb jokes going around, would YOU want to be recognized?

What did the elephants say when they saw Tarzan coming over the hill?
Nothing, elephants can't talk.

What did Tarzan say when he saw the giraffes coming over the hill?
"Ha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"

Why do elephants have trunks?
1) Because they don't have glove compartments.
2) Because they'd look silly carrying suitcases.

Why is it dangerous to go into the jungle between 2 and 4 each afternoon?
Because that's when the elephants jump out of the trees.

Why are pygmies so small?
Because they go into the jungle between 2 and 4 every afternoon.

How can you tell if an elephant is hiding in your bathtub?
You can smell the peanuts on his breath.

Why are elephants large, lumpy, and grey?
Because if they were small, round, and white, they'd be aspirins.

How do you shoot a red elephant?
No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

How do you shoot a green elephant?
Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

How do you shoot a grey elephant?
Tell it scary stories until it turns white, then shoot him with a white elephant gun.

Why do ostriches walk around with their heads in the sand?
They're looking for elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.

What do you do when an elephant sneezes?
1.) Get out of the way.
2.) Say "Gezunheit."

Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
It was glued to the first one.

What's the difference between an elephant and a mailbox?
Well, if you don't know then how do you get your mail?

Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
Because they might let down their trunks.

Why do elephants paint each toenail a different color?
So they can hide in jelly bean jars.

What did Tarzan say as he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing pink tee-shirts?
"They must all be on the same team."

How can you tell if there's an elephant under your bed?
Lay down on your bed. If you can touch the ceiling with your nose...

What did Tarzan say when the elephants were coming over the hill? "The elephants are coming over the hill"

What did Jane say when the elephants were coming over the hill?" "The elephants are coming over the hill"

What did Tarzan say when the elephants wearing dark glasses were etc.etc?" Nothing, he couldn't recognize them.

What did cheetah say when the elephants were coming over the hill? "Here come the grapes" - Cheetah is colorblind.

OK, so there's this elephant stuck in a hole. A mouse comes up and says "Hey, I'll help you out, tie this rope around you." The elephant says," You can't pull me out!!" The mouse says, "Oh, I'm not going to pull you out myself, I've got a Porsche, and I'll drag you out with it." So he does, and the elephant is happy. A few days later, the mouse is stuck in the same hole. The elephant sees him and says, "I'll return the favor and help you out." and he unzips his fly and drops his dick into the hole. The mouse climbs up his dick out of the hole and says "Gee, thanks." MORAL: If you've got a big dick, you don't need a Porsche. -

-What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress? Anything you want, it cant hear you. -

Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree? It was glued to the first one. -

 
 Q:  What's grey on the inside and pink and white on the outside?
 A:  An inside out elephant.
 
 Q:  What is grey and not there.
 A:  No elephants.
 
 Q:  Why are elephants large, grey and wrinkled?
 A:  Because if they were small, white and smooth they'd be aspirins.
 
 Q:  Why are elephants wrinkled?
 A:  Have you ever tried to iron one?
 
 Q:  Why do elephants wear small green hats?
 A:  So they can sneak across pool tables unobserved.
 
 Q:  How many legs does an elephant have?
 A:  Four, two in the front, two in the back.
 
 Q:  How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge?
 A:  You can hear Tarzan scream: "OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO!!!"
 
 Q:  How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?
 A:  You can't, silly, there is only one Tarzan!
 
 Q:  Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
 A:  Tarzans fridge is not large enough to hold them all.
 
 Q:  How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?
 A:  Depends on the number of elephants.
 
 Q.  What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
 A.  Optimistic!
 
 Q.  What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
 A.  Free Parking.
 
 Q:  How does an elephant get down from a tree?
 A:  It doesn't, you get down from a duck.
 
 Q:  How do you get an elephant out of a tree?
 A:  Stand it on a leaf and wait 'till autumn.
 
 Q:  What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
 A:  Bloody great holes all over Australia.
 
 Q:  What did Hannibal say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill?
 A:  "Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the hill."
 
 Q:  What did he say when he saw 1,000 elephants with sunglasses on, coming 
over the hill?
 A:  Nothing, he didn't recognize them.
 
 Q:  Why shouldn't you go into the woods at 5 o'clock?
 A:  Because that is when the elephants do their parachute jumping.
 
 Q:  What is a furry alligator?
 A:  A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock.
 
 Q:  Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
 A:  So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.
 
 Q:  Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?
 A:  No?  Well, it must work then.

I shot the Hippopotomous with bullets made of Platinum,
'Cause if I'd used the Leaden ones his hide was sure to flatten 'em.

Here lies the body of Leslie Moore. Four slugs from a forty-four.
No Less, no Moore.

Here lies the body of Johnathan Bun, who was killed by a gun.
His name was not Bun, but Wood.
But Wood would not rhyme with gun, and Bun would.

How do you shoot a white Elephant?
No, you're wrong.
You pinch his nose 'til he turns pink,
and then shoot him with your pink Elephant gun.

Once there was an Elephant that tried to use the Telephant.
No. No. I mean an Elephone who tried to use the Telephone.
Dear me. I am not certain quite, that even now I've got it right,
How 'ere it was he got his trunk entangled in the telefunk.
The more he tried to get it free, the louder buzzed the telefee.
I fear I'd better drop the song of ele-fop and tele-fong.
(Child Craft book on poems and bedtime stories)

How can you tell when there is an Elephant in the shower with you?
You can smell the peanuts on his breath!

Why do Elephants paint their toenails red?
So they can hide in the strawberry patch.

How do you get five Elephants in a Volkswagen?
Two in the front, and three in the back.

The following two jokes are politically incorrect. Please skip them
if you are politically correct, easily offended, under 18, or with to remain
unfamilliar with pachyderm anatomy and hygene.

*** Why do Elephants paint their testicals red?
*** So they can hide in cherry trees!

*** How can you tell when your pet Elephant is in heat?
*** There is a quarter on your night stand, and your mattress is missing!

How do the Elephants get out of the cherry trees?
They sit on a leaf, and wait 'til Fall.

Speaking of Tarzan, he was never very bright to begin with, and after
recovering from that unfortunate cherry picking incident,...

What did Tarzan say when the Elephants came over the hill?
Here come the Elephants, over the hill!

What did Tarzan say when the Elephants came over the hill with sneakers on?
Nothing. He didn't hear them!

And when the Elephants came over the hill with sun glasses on?
Nothing. He didn't recognize them!

Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow?
So he wouldn't fall into the hot chocolate.

How do you kill a pink elephant?
You hold his trunk closed until he turns blue - then you shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

What would you get if Batman and Robin were run over by a herd of stampeding elephants?
Flatman and Ribbon.

Why did they throw the elephants out of the public swimming pool?
Beause they couldn't hold up their trunks.

How do you make an elephant float?
A glass of root beer and one scoop of elephant.

What's the difference between an elephant and peanut butter?
An elephant doesn't stick to the roof of your mouth.

Two mice captured an elephant. The first mouse said to the second, "You guard the elephant while I go get help."
When he got back with some friends half-an-hour later, the elephant was gone.
"What did you do with him?" asked the first mouse of the second.
"I don't know where he is!" the second mouse responded.
The first mouse got really angry. "Don't lie to me! I can see that you're still chewing!"

Why did the elephant paint himself all-different colors?
So he could hide in the crayon box.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a gopher?
Huge holes in your back yard.

Why is an elephant gray, large and wrinkled?
Because, if it were small, round and white, it would be an aspirin.

Why can't an elephant ride a bicycle?
Because he doesn't have a thumb to ring the bell.

What do you get if you cross a chicken with an elephant?
I don't know what you'd call it, but Colonel Sanders would have some fun trying to dip it into the batter, wouldn't he?

How do you fit six elephants in a Volkswagen?
Two in the front, two in the rear and two in the glove compartment!!

Elephantastic Jokes (page 2)